“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.