@Sarcasticsapien: This world would be a much better place if some people's mothers would've just had a headache.
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@Cheeseboy22: The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
@Fred_Delicious: [Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist] "He was literally kermit the frog"
@GuyThe_Guy: Autocorrect just turned "stepdaughter" into "lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider"