Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
You Might Also Like
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes