When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
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Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.