I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
bout dat hot dog summer
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I put the hot in psychotic.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”