This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
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Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*