I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?