[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
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Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.