ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
You Might Also Like
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue