@ExtraGrumpyCat: This year I'm going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
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@jake_lach: I need to lay off the caffeine. My neighbor keeps complaining that I'm tackling her much more than usual
@loudmouth_usa: Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything? Me: I'm just thirsty Him: What do you want? Me: Six tacos and a burrito
@mattsurely: When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means 'only married' like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage