@ExtraGrumpyCat: This year I'm going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.
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@onion_an: Me: My dog has gone missing Dog pound: What colour is it? Me: Brown Dog pound: Sex? Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
@KalvinMacleod: I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse's head.