This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
From my Mom
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Finally a use for spoilers…
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??