This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
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In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Put this video in the Louvre
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars