This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Received some very disappointing news today
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.