This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
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I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do