How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
These are too funny not to post 😂
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
This could’ve been an email.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?