Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
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Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Wait a minute
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway