{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
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Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER