Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Never forget.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?