Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
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Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.