I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill