Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
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New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Said the murderer.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Choose your fighter
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]