Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud