@JohnLyonTweets: Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I'm going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won't have any luck finding them without a shovel.
@kumailn: The Devil has his own Bible. He's releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
@DrunksWithGuns: If you blast Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is", the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.