Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos