@brennadine: Those magical three words you've been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
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@UncleBob56: Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone. Me: Will it make my dinner? D: No but- M: Good talk.
@Mr_Kapowski: We should've cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they're part of a Thriller flash mob
@nayomeewallace: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.