Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
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Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”