Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I was just discussing this with my cat
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.