@eudaimonium: Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn't throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
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@drinksmcgee: They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.
@WeissBrandon: Cop: know y I pulled u over? Wife: to invite me to the state trooper's ball? Cop: state troopers don't have balls Me: BAHAHA Cop: drive safe
@WesTheFatKid: Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.