My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Namaste
A choir of Spring onions
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.