[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
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Best spot.. 😅
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
🤣dope
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”