Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
The glockness monster
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”