Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
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Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct