Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.