Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?