@Parentpains: Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
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@aveuaskew: Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
@eskimo_tekillya: I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I've learned how to breathe in the damn thing I'll tell you how it worked out.