Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
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ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
At least my masseuse has my back.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel