GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
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dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL