Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
The government even made aliens boring
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.