@heyevergreen: Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
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@Matt_the_1st: Cop: do you know why I pulled u over? Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there Cop:.... Me:.. Cop: sir, your tailamp is out Me:...
@michaelianblack: Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
@aveuaskew: If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
@internetluke: Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I'm optimizing code