@WigCannon: Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat.
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@withanewname: [Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
@einsteinsexual: You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won't eat tomato soup.
@lejessica: I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren't any dinosaurs approaching.