what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
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not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Who called it baking and not making love
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.