Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me