Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
You Might Also Like
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best