Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?