Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
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From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.