Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.