@DurtMcHurtt: Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
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@cwhudson: BARTENDER: okay man, here's your appletini MAN: [upset] this isn't what i ordered BARTENDER: i'm sorry? MAN: why isn't it a tiny apple
@Prince_Smarming: Imagine my surprise when I found out "restraining order" did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
@TheWriteStuff2u: You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn't looking, I did.
@TheAlexNevil: "The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging."