Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”