THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
You Might Also Like
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd