Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I gave up going to work for lent.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”