I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
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*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*