Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.