How did people charge their phones before electricity?
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*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”