*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
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gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Found my door mat
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers