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So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Smile Twitter, Smile.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.